How Could this Happen?

A good friend of mine, Mark White, who worked alongside me at Family Discipleship Ministries from 1998 to 2002, went back to college after leaving the ministry to get his Bachelors Degree for Biblical Studies.  As part of his required class, Mark had to write a thesis on crucial issues of the 21^st Century.

Mark focused his research on ‘why is' and ‘how is' the Christian families today experiencing such travesties.  What this thesis reveals and exposes, I believe, are some of our enemy's strategic plans to not only destroy but also keep God's families from being transformed and equipped to glorify Himself.  As you read through Marks findings, you can't help but say to yourself, "How did this happen?" and "Why aren't we doing something about this?"

THE CHRISTIAN FAMILY IN THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY CHURCH

By Mark White

December, 2003

Perhaps the most pertinent need of the church today is the preservation and care of families and marriages.  Every pastor will discover that fully eighty per cent of his serious counseling problems will directly involve marriage (husband/wife) and family (child/parent/in-law) problems.¹

It is obvious that the church today is failing to equip and minister to the family as God intended in His Word. Thus families are suffering as a result. We can see that in the last fifty years the dynamics of the family have changed. The old lifestyle of the "Leave it to Beaver" or two parent family home life is on the decline. In America today, one out of every eleven adults is divorced, three times the proportion in 1970.² The functions of the husband and wife have changed so dramatically that it is difficult to tell who is running the home. Marriage has been pushed aside for people living together. In 2000, there were 3.8 million households that were classified as unmarried-partner households; representing 3.7 percent of all households in the United States.³ More women are having children out of wedlock. In 1995 1.25 million babies, or 32% of all newborns, were born out-of-wedlock.⁴ Teenagers are having kids before they even finish school. Now we have the stepparent family, or in the vernacular of today the blended family. One out of every six children is a stepchild.⁵ This puts the church in direct line of bringing hope to the many families that have been devastated by the different circumstances that have come their way.

With recognizing that the basic attacks of our day are upon marriage itself and the institution of the family, the pastor must guard his flock from them and endeavor by every biblically legitimate means to instruct, cultivate and foster strong Christian marriage family relationships."⁶ The church now has the great task of training these families in their Biblical responsibilities. Now more that ever does the church need to be organized to handle this diversity in family relationships.

How important is the family to God? How is the church meeting the need in the 21^st century church? What tools do they have to give these parents? What is the priority of family within the structure of the church? How are the families being ministered to? What do parents think the church is supposed to do for them and their families? How we answer these questions should be of the utmost importance.

God Designed the Family

Before there was a church, there was the family. The first institution that God created was the family. In Genesis it says that "God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; ..." (Gen. 1:27-28, NKJ). Right from the beginning it was God's plan to create the family, multiply the family, and fill the earth. Since the creation of man and woman and up until the fall, their relationship with each other and with God was one that was upright. But when Adam and Eve sinned, (Gen. 3) the perfect relationship was broken. After this we see the difficulties in family relationships, even in Cain murdering Able (Gen. 4). In fact families continued in a down hill slide until God wipes out the whole human race in the flood, (Gen. 6) that is except for Noah and his family. God continued to work with families in populating the earth again through Noah, his three sons and their wives.

In Genesis chapter 12 God calls Abram out of Ur of the Chaldeans to be His own special family. God laid out a promise to bless him and to make him into a great nation and that in him all the families of the earth would be blessed (12:1-3). God continued to bless Abram and confirms his covenant again in chapter 17, and changes his name to Abraham. This blessing went on to his son Isaac and then Isaac's son Jacob. When Jacob's son Joseph came into power in Egypt, as Pharaoh's right hand man (Gen. 41), it wasn't long before God used a famine to move the families of Jacob (Israel) to Egypt and to multiply them and bless them (Gen. 46). After about 400 years, the nation Israel grows into some 2 million people, then God raises up a deliverer (Moses) to bring His families out from the heavy hand of the Egyptians (Ex. 1). God uses Moses to bring them out of Egypt (Ex. 4-13) and institutes certain laws in which the people of Israel were to live by. He established priests (Levites) to take care of the tabernacle, which was Israel's church in the OT. Through the advice of Jethro, Moses' father-in-law, there was appointed leaders to take care of the families. Before they were to enter the Promised Land God gave Moses instruction to give the people concerning their families. He said, "Now this is the commandment, and these are the statutes and judgments which the LORD your God has commanded to teach you.. .be careful to observe it, that it may be well with you... "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. "And these words which I command you today shall be in your heart. "You shall teach them diligently to your children..." (Deut. 6:1-7 NKJ). God gave clear instructions concerning the health of the family. But after Israel moved into the Promised Land and Joshua and the elders had died, the families fell apart. The Bible says that, "the people served the LORD all the days of Joshua, and all the days of the elders who outlived Joshua, who had seen all the great works of the LORD which He had done for Israel." (Jud. 2:7, NKJ). When Joshua and the leaders died off the spiritual influence was gone and the families suffered and fell into sin. The Book of Judges ends with "everyone did what was right in their own eyes" (21:25, NKJ). When the standard of Deut. 6 is not carried out by the leaders, and the families, the end result is hurting families and misplaced priorities. You can see this even in the leadership of Eli and his sons, (1 Sam. 1-4) as a leader and priest he did not take care of his family and they all wound up dead because God judged them. David mishandled his responsibility as a dad and drove his sons into rebellion because of negligence, 2 Samuel. This continuation of misplaced priorities in leadership lead the children of Israel into captivity. They were rebellious because the shepherds of the people were. God gave a promise through the book of Jeremiah to the people, He said, "And I will give you shepherds according to My heart, who will feed you with knowledge and understanding" (Jer, 3:15, NKJ). God's plan for His people has not changed, which obviously includes His families, and that is to feed them with the truth through the shepherds.

God Designed the Church for the Family

God is still reaching out to the families through the leadership. He has designed the church in such a way that everyone should be equipped with the necessary tools to have good marriages and families. Jesus gave the command to His disciples to "Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations...teaching them to observe all things that I have commanded you..." (Matt. 28:19-20 NKJ emphases added). Matheteuo (make disciples) is the main verb and the central command of verses 19-20, which form the closing sentence of Matthew's gospel. The root meaning of the term refers to believing and learning. Jesus was not referring simply to believers or simply to learners, or He would have used other words. Matheteuo carries a beautiful combination of meanings. In this context it relates to those who place their trust in Jesus Christ and follow Him in lives of continual learning and obedience.⁷ That was Christ's plan, to win people to Him and then disciple them. Notice that it is comprehensive since it says to teach all things, which would include family. God does carry this out through individuals, but His main means in carrying His message to families is through the church. God said that "He Himself gave some to be apostles, some prophets, some evangelists, and some pastors and teachers, for the equipping of the saints for the work of ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ, (Eph. 4:11-12, NKJ). The word equipping or perfecting (NSAB) means, a perfectly adjusted adaptation; complete qualification for a specific purpose.⁸ God wants to use each and every individual for His kingdom but first they need to be equipped, perfectly adjusted and qualified to do this. God uses the pastor/teacher to equip the saints so that they can do the work of the ministry. He is the one that adjusts them so to speak through the preaching of the Word and discipleship (1 Tim. 3:16-17; 2 Tim. 4:2). But pastors must not leave out the importance of family. Paul taught on the family, (Eph. 5:22-6:4; Col. 3:18-21; 1 Tim. 3:2, 4, 5, 11, 12), in fact he taught the whole counsel of God (Act 20:27). Peter taught on the family (1 Peter 3).

God Designed the Leaders To Be An Example

When we think of the work of the ministry in context of the pastor and or the deacon, the place that we picture them first is their work within the church. That goes for everything that we see on Sunday and the ministries he does throughout the week. The Bible encourages us to follow godly examples. Paul commended the Thessalonians for becoming "imitators of us and of the Lord" (1 Thess. 1:6). To the Philippians he wrote, "The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things" (Phil. 4:9). He encouraged both Timothy (1 Tim. 4:12) and Titus (Titus 2:7) to be good examples for their people to follow. Hebrews 13:7 exhorts us to follow the example of godly leaders, while James 5:10 points us to the example of the prophets. Peter admonishes elders to be examples to their flocks (1 Peter 5:3).

All leadership seeks to accomplish one goal: influence. Leaders seek to influence people to achieve their objectives. Influence is a direct result of teaching and example. What a man is will influence his followers to be fully committed to what he says. Teaching sets the nails into the mind, but example is the hammer that drives them in deep.⁹

By this we can say that what is important to the pastor will influence what would be important to the people. What are the objectives that pastors are seeking when it comes to the family in this 21^st Century church?

Leadership and the Home

The Bible gives clear directions when it comes to pastors/deacons and their homes. The pastor must be "one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?" (1 Tim 3:4-5, NKJ) and then "Likewise " (1 Tim. 3:8, NKJ) "Let deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well" (1 Tim 3:12, NKJ). This makes a very bold statement about the minister, they must have their home in order before serving. The minister's family is the secret weapon for good or a weight, which sinks his "ship." What he says in theory and what occurs in his family may be likened to the laboratory where the elements are compounded into proved experiment."¹⁰ The minister's home is his mini church where their leadership qualities are honed & tested. Paul demanded that the church leader be exemplary in controlling his own family. He was to raise children know for their obedience and morally upright behavior. The verb for "manage" carries the idea of governing, leading, and giving direction to the family. The same word appears in 1 Thess. 5:12 ("are over you") and 1 Tim. 5:17 (direct) and also v.5 (manage). The term demands an effective exercise of authority bolstered by a character of integrity and sensitive compassion. Its use in v. 5 with the verb "take care of defines the quality of leadership as related more to showing mercy than to delivering ultimatums.¹¹ The person who wins the apostle's approval here is not the one who is clever in domestic matters but the one who has learned to rule his family with correct discipline.¹² The commonsense application is straightforward, and its disregard has brought great trouble to God's people over the centuries - beginning with Eli of old (cf. 1 Samuel 3:13). ¹³ In fact, the logic is impeccable, and the outcome is predictable, whether the church heeds this advice or rejects it.¹⁴ At the outset, the pastor must recognize that he is a husband first, a father second and a pastor third. Only by adopting and firmly adhering to the biblical priorities can the pastor develop the sort of disciplined life necessary to carry on all three vital tasks to which he is called (Luke 14:33).¹⁵ Lack of proper management of home-life disqualifies the person from leadership in the church. It is significant that the same verb used here for fathers ruling their children (prohistemi)¹⁶ Their homes and their view of the home are what will impact the church. is used later for elders ruling the church (5:7; cf. 1 Thes. 5:12 and Rom. 12:8).

The Best Kept Secret

This writer worked with Craig Caster the founder and director of Family Discipleship Ministries for four years. During that time we counseled and taught seminars to literally hundreds of families, this was not only throughout the U.S. but also

in China, Germany, Hungary, Canada and Russia. Most of the people we taught and counseled had one thing in common, a lack of understanding of the biblical principles of marriage and parenting. The best-kept secret is what goes on behind closed doors. In other words, what goes on in their own homes. They look like one big happy family at church, and will even tell you everything is ok, but when you sit down and ask some penetrating questions about their relationship to God, spouse and children the answers tell a different story. This holds true with many pastor, leaders, deacons, and the families that sit in the pew. Since leaders are supposed (emphases added) to be setting the example it is interesting to read of the problems effecting pastors and their families. Pastors have confessed when is comes to family relationships that 81% say they have insufficient time together, 64% have communication difficulties, 53% have difficulty raising children, 46% have sexual problems, 41% of pastors have anger toward spouse, 41% of spouse's have anger toward pastor, 35% have differences over ministry career and 2% have had physical abuse.¹⁷ That was in 1992. Now after the year 2000, 52% of pastors say that they and their spouses believe that being in pastoral ministry is hazardous to their family's well-being and health, 41% say that the most stressful time of the day in their home is evening,¹⁸ 53% of pastors' wives say they have difficulties raising children.¹⁹ Since 94% of Protestant senior pastors are currently married, that means that they have a family to take care of. It is interesting that 63% of them have graduated from seminary, (2001) ²⁰ so what it the problem?

The Problem of Schools

In this writer's opinion, the biggest problem is that we have people in positions of leadership that have not been trained in marriage and family (parenting). People who want to go into ministry usually go to a school or want to be trained for the ministry. They will go to a Bible College and then seminary to work within the church. This is what the schools are there for. The mission statement of SCBC&S states that their purpose is to help, "assisting local churches to equip believers... to live and minister biblically, based on the inerrant Word of God. This equipping includes biblical knowledge, Christian character, and ministry skills...".²¹ Under the heading of objectives it says "to equip students for various kinds of service...". ²² At another seminary their mission statement includes: "equipping godly men to be pastors and/or trainers of pastors for excellence in service to Christ in strategic fields of Christian ministry". ²³ After looking at different Bible colleges and seminaries they all have a vision statement that says that they prepare men and or women for the ministry that God has called them to. It all has to do with service to the Lord, and usually within the local church. Men and or women are leaving with a college degree, and with that degree it is believed or assumed that they are prepared for ministry. Now after researching different Bible Colleges and Seminars I have found something very interesting. When it comes to the training of a leader to deal with his or her own family it is treated as an elective. It is not a mandatory course. You might have crisis counseling which is trying to pick up the pieces of a person's life and give direction. But as noted above the prerequisite for ministry is to have a qualified family relationship. Are we just assuming most who are coming to these schools already know how to tend to their priorities (family) correctly?  98% say they did not have a good godly example. I have no doubt that there are many people in Christian schools going for a degree right now that are not even qualified because of their ignorance to the tending to their own family correctly. Why are Seminaries or Bible Colleges not investigating and prioritizing this non-negotiable and consequential principle of tending to our own families correctly if you want to fulfill God's will in ministry? I have found only one seminary that asks specific questions on their application that has to do with the family. The Master's Seminary not only asks the applicant but also wants the wife to fill one out. Their Master of Divinity program has a mandatory class about the pastor and his wife and they both are to attend. The a study of biblical teaching regarding marriage and family relationships. Evaluates roles, marital relationships, parenting skills, the relationship between the home and the church, the home as an educational agency, and the special problems faced by pastors and their families.²⁴ Without the Biblical understanding of the family it will have a direct influence on the pastor's family and the church family. Plus the connection of the importance won't be there because it wasn't expressed in their training. Lets face it a leader has trained for years to know the languages, theology and such but when it comes to the language of the home and a working theology of what God says about the home he or she (she meaning deaconess) is at a loss.

The Lack of Family in Theological Books

One of the major themes that anyone will study when it comes to getting a degree from a Bible College or Seminary is theology. There have been many books written on the subject of theology and particularly systematic theology. Theology is the discovery, systematizing, and presentation of the truths about God.²⁵ It is taken from two Greek words theo meaning God and logos meaning word or discourse. By its definition it is in 12 essence, the study of God. But as you look at books on theology they cover many more subjects. In Ryrie's Bacic Theology book²⁶ he covers other subjects than just God. He covers the study of the Bible-Bibliology (66 pages). Angels (20 pages), the Devil and Demons (38 pages), Man (44 pages), Salvation-Soteriology (76 pages), Sin-Hamartology (34 pages), the Church-Ecclesiology (54 pages), and Things to Come-Eschatology (104 pages).²⁷ Then God, Christ and the Holy Spirit cover 150 pages, and rightly so, since They are the most important subjects. This is not to say that any of the other subjects are not important they are just not as important. But as discussed above the prerequisite for getting into ministry (if you are married) is that your family is in order. You can study all of these subjects and know them by memory and pass a test on your Biblical knowledge but if your family is out of order you are not completed in your training from serving. In the index of subjects in the back of Ryries' book, family is not even listed.²⁸ He has a 14 page index and no mention of family. Of course there is a reason for that, it is because it is hardly discussed. The only place I could find family is under section seven "I Will Build My Church" and then under chapter 73 "Qualified Leadership for the Church". In this he addresses the issues of the qualifications to become a pastor as addressed in first Timothy three and Titus one. He explains briefly, about a half a page that a pastor must be "the husband of one wife", then he moves on to the pastor's relation to his family which covers one short paragraph.²⁹ For deacons he says, Like elders, deacons are to be husbands of one wife whose families are presided over well.³⁰ As with any writer they have a goal, and they will express what they see as important for their particular book. The missing jewel that this writer finds is the lack of importance of the family. This book as with most systematic theology books, they give God's understanding on the above subjects, but not the family. In fact I could find a book on the theology of the family. So we can see that 436 pages are dedicated to subjects other than the person of God. It just has to make you stop and wonder, what happened to the importance of family?

Conclusion

If pastors aren't trained in the area of family then there will be a trickle down effect. There needs to be some type of accountability before one is placed in a school to be trained and or in service to the Lord. It is important to emphasize that these standards absolutely define just one aspect of the prerequisites for the ministry. One thing is for sure; they go directly against our cultural. Some might say that they are out dated but the Bible says they are not optional or open for redefinition. These biblical imperatives are just as relevant today as they were when written by Paul two thousand years ago.

In this writer's judgment, these principles have been neglected for far too many years. In order to carry out the "equipping of the saints", the first ministry that needs to be equipped is that of the home, for with out it, you shouldn 't be qualified to serve. But it is sad to say that there are many serving the Lord and their homes are out of order. No one knows because to a greater extent there is nothing set up to ask both husband and wife "what is your home life like?" How is 1 Timothy 3:3-5, 12 carried out in the home? It truly is the best-kept secret. With out this, the 21^st century church will look good on the inside but will be full of dead men's bones in the homes.

I truly believe this reveals a serious problem within the body of Christ. Please join us in praying for an online school that will focus on equipping Christians to disciple others in abiding in Christ daily, marriage and parenting.  The Church is the institution God created to equip the saints to do ALL things according to His will.  Also, let us pray for the laborers needed to learn, live it out, and to disciple others in these things (Matthew 9:38).

Thank you